Last year during this time I recall seeing so many honest and encouraging posts on Facebook from women I knew and admired. I was not one of them. I was not in a place to share my story, not in person, and especially not online. At that point, I was in the midst of one of the lowest places I could possibly imagine, still reeling from the miscarriage that occurred several months prior. I was angry, lost, confused, lonely, and did I mention angry? This time last year was just down right rough and I was not OK. Even as I sit to write this, the pain is hard to ignore. For the pain of losing a baby through pregnancy is real and one that doesn’t just go away, even with the birth of a child afterwards.
The loss we endured last year was not our first; in fact it was our second pregnancy loss. This second time felt different though. The first miscarriage I experienced was painful, devastating, and discouraging. But, I was so easily able to get pregnant again afterwards that I was still very hopeful. That pregnancy brought our beautiful and spunky little boy into our lives with so much joy that I could never have imagined. When we envisioned our family, we always envisioned our son having a sibling, but waited quite a while to make that move. Then came the second miscarriage after 12 weeks of pregnancy and having already seen the heartbeat. Suddenly after weeks of thinking that all was well, the picture of what we always wanted was taken away. It was in the few days after that loss that we learned there were additional medical complications that accompanied this particular miscarriage requiring ongoing follow up and potentially having to wait a significant amount of time before trying again.
Knowing that I didn't want to face the months to follow with all of the milestones we wouldn't have, I immediately began planning things that I could look forward to instead - typical to my overachieving nature. One of those things was training for a half-marathon, and not just training, I was committed to running a PR. I was determined to prove that even if my body wouldn't work with me, I'd make it work for me. Initially the training runs were just what I needed. I'm a big believer in the mind/body connection and the running gave me a physical outlet for all of the emotions I was feeling. With every step I took, I pounded the pavement with a little more of that anger and hurt I felt. Problem was, like Forest Gump, I just kept running and I jumped right back into everything else as well. I never allowed myself to actually grieve the loss when I needed to the most. Like any wound, you can only ignore it for so long.
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| Ran the PR that I put all my emotion into. What I really see in this photo: sadness, pain, hurt, anger. |
My wake up call came about two hours after I completed the half-marathon I trained so hard for. After the adrenaline wore off, and much like an addict coming down from a high, I had nothing left but the sadness, hurt, and anger I still felt and hadn't really addressed. And most importantly, I didn't have the baby I longed to have. That's when the real work had to begin and I finally did what I should have done long before: get help. I didn't have to go through the loss alone and in a moment of pure physical and mental exhaustion I finally realized that. I sought professional help and personal development. Both of which were necessary for me.
Some of the online resources I found helpful in the healing process are:
http://www.october15th.com/
http://adrielbooker.com/care-for-a-friend-after-miscarriage-or-stillbirth/
https://pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/
https://pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/15-things-i-need-my-partner-to-know-during-our-pregnancy-after-loss/
While our story ends happily with two beautiful rainbow babies that are happy and healthy, I know that for many others it does not. Today is a day to raise awareness for those babies that we never held or only held briefly and the families in need of love and support to get through some of the darkest days. Perhaps in that awareness, someone out there hurting will feel a little better knowing they are not alone.
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